The only thing worse than finding a spider in your bed, is losing a spider in your bed.
I’m as restless as a willow in a windstorm.
I am so restless, I feel I need to be going and moving, but I know after yesterday I need to rest.
I did manage to empty out Allison dressers and closet and get rid of clothes that no longer fit and reorganize. My muscles are screaming for me to stop but my mind is racing and I feel the need to do things.
I don’t want to lie in bed. I want to get out, enjoy the day, clean, anything but lie here and think.
A lot going through my mind. I have 2 important doctor appointments coming up, both crucial to my quality of life for the rest of my life.
I found a GI who specializes in chronic pancreatitis and sphincter of oddi. I know it is a long shot, but there is a remote possibility that he could help me be able to take pain medications. And with my MS progressing, I am in dire need of some relief.
I am also anxious to meet my new neuro. She is an actual MS specialist. I am wanting to talk to her about a Baclofen pump. Before having the surgery for one, they would admit me and do a trial run. I have been told that of it works, that it is euphoric, to finally get those muscles relaxed for a while.
The thought of possibly living with less pain makes me cry. Can it possibly happen? I am on pins and needles just thinking about it. Oh wait… never mind, the pins and needles feeling is just my MS acting up. ;)
The willow photograph was not taken by me. Credit goes to my Canadian friend, Dan Cetinic.
livingisagift replied to your post: A Year In Pictures: Day 122 and 123 Hey bunny, you look very Irish or Scotish. R U?
Funny you should ask. I just finished doing my genealogy and yes, I am very much Irish and Scottish on both sides of my family. White pasty skin, freckles, green eyes, and red hair. All great traits of sexy Irish and Scots. ;)
A Year In Pictures: Day 122 and 123
Yesterday I got a hair cut.
Today was a lazy day spent in bed resting my body. I did manage to fold 5 loads of laundry… while in bed.
A Year In Pictures: Day 120 and 121
Yesterday was a rough day so I sat out on the deck for some sun therapy.
Today Hannah has her first photography lesson. She has uses my iPhone camera all the time, but today she asked to learn how to use the “real” camera.
Here is her pictures from today.
Like me, photography makes her happy.
I don’t like this mean robin!!
So, my squirrel was standing in my neighbor’s yard, minding his own business…
And this robin, already had a mouth full of worms for lunch.
Then suddenly the squirrel became startled,
The robin started attacking him, chasing his through 3 neighbor’s yards. Just flying and pecking away at him. That upset me for 2 reasons, First, he robin already had lunch and besides, robins don’t even know how to make squirrel gravy.
Us bunnies may not vacuum but we do have to clean our tub and showers. And I ABHORE doing it.
I have tried every cheap, mid-priced and expensive cleaner out there. I swear some of them have pure acid in them from the way it tears my hands up. Plus many will make me dizzy and lightheaded they are so toxic… and still I have to scrub and scrub to get my tub clean.
Now I am sure you keep your tub and shower perfectly clean every day and therefore it is not a chore for you, but well… I am a not as consistent with my housekeeping duties. Especially when my MS kicks in and I struggle with simple cooking and laundry.
I have 2 girls and myself who take baths. And if you have a bath taker in your house, you know how a bath ring can be murder to remove.
My tub was in dire need of soap scum removal and I dreaded it. It is hard to scrub and scrub for an hour when the fumes are getting to you.
Then I tried this. I doubted it would work, but thought why not?
1 part white vinegar to 1 part blue Dawn liquid soap.
You heat the vinegar in the microwave until it is hot, (I don’t know why, just do it.) Then put it in a spray bottle and add the same amount of Dawn and mix well. I used 12 oz each. They say blue Dawn, I assume this is because it is the original and not hand softener in it or anything and will cut through the grease easier. After all soap scum is made from your bodies oils and soap which contains fat, So don’t get the scented, or antibacterial, use the true blue stuff.
I swear, I tried it and almost cried. It said to let it soak overnight, but I tried right away and a lot came off. I had to employ elbow grease on the sides, so I decided to stop, spray and let it sit for 2 hours. I went back and it came off so easy.
SERIOUSLY!! VERY EASY. I was shocked. Cheap and non-toxic. I can now use it twice a week and let Hannah clean the tub without worrying about her messing up her skin or breathing toxins.
Try it, you really should.
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A Year In Pictures: Day 116 - 119
On Friday, Allison was inducted into the National Jr Honor Society. It was something she worked very hard at. You get nominated and inducted based upon you grades, citizenship, community projects, and so on.
On Saturday we went for a nice hike in the wood. Hannah LOVED it, as did Allison. It was a nice relaxing hike.
I spent Sunday in bed most of the day. Resting up. That’s not me in the bed… it is Zippy. Zippy was my favorite toy when I was a kid.
Yesterday Hannah did not go to school. She was running a fever. But she did not let her mind go to waste, she “read” a Nancy Drew book.
I am an angry bunny with a cane.
This is a negative, rage filled blog. Read at your own risk.
I am sick and tired of the Montel Williams and other MS people talking about how if I buy his juicer and eat all fruits and veggies and exercise like him them I will be all buff and in shape and doing wonderful.
First off, I don’t have enough money to buy all the veggies and fruits like he does. Have you priced these items lately. But that’s a whole other rant.
My big rant is exercise. First off, let’s get this straight. He can do these exercise routines that I can’t so he is a much better person than I? But tell me… who is up 6-7 times a night with sick kids? Who scrubs his toilets, does his laundry, cooks his dinners, cleans his house, runs his errands?
Do you know how many spoons these uses up? (Only spoonies will get that,)
But let’s put all the excuses aside. Let’s focus on the exercise alone. I wish spokespeople for Multiple Sclerosis would tell the truth.
Yes, exercise is great. You will be healthier and feel better. We get that you are trying to be an inspiration, but all you make us feel like are failures. Show us the truth.
How one day you walk on the treadmill and it hurts but you fight through and make it 25 minutes and you get off and collapse but feel accomplished. How that inspires you and you have a great outlook on life. How then you are able to go outside for a nice slow hike the next day.
And then… and then the next day you get on the treadmill, hoping to do 30 minutes that day. But then 2 minutes into it those muscles that hurt when you walked downstairs to the treadmill, they start seizing up. And I don’t mean the muscle pain the average person feels when they start walking, I mean tightening up so tight it feels like your skin will split into as the muscles bulge and tighten.
Then by 4 minutes you have tears streaming down your face. But you are strong you can do this, after all, all the celebrities can do it. By 6 minutes the first cry of pain escapes your lips, only to increase in frequency and loudness by the 7th minute. By the 9th minute you are grateful your neighbor next door no longer lives there to hear your screaming.
I am pushing myself and my left calf muscle is so tight I swear it will explode and by minute 10 I find myself collapsed on the treadmill sobbing with self defeat. I am simply not strong enough to fight through the pain.
Truth is, I may not be able to walk on the treadmill for a few days. Or maybe I can walk 5 minutes tomorrow and 25 the next day, and none the next.
That’s the truth that needs to be told. That is what these spokespeople need to talk about.
I get these MS magazines with a woman in hiking boots standing atop a mountain. First off, I cannot even wear my hiking boots, they are too heavy for my legs to lift as my legs already feel like they weigh 75 lbs each.
But she stands atop the mountain, looking out over the beautiful landscape and boasting how she has MS but MS does not have her. Bullshit. MS has me by the balls. It is squeezing the life out of me.
Now granted, I am fighting with every fiber of my being, and I am not giving up. But MS does have control of my life.
It is ok to show that hiking and such is possible with MS. I do it. Yes, inspire people to push themselves to make the most of life, but be realistic and tell the hardships on how you got there and how you cannot do that every day. How on some days just breathing is a chore.
I just feel as if they, at least in my case, are failing to inspire me, but rather they make me feel defeated.
I guess that is why you will see me appear bipolar in my blog. No, I am fortunately not bipolar, I have enough to deal with without that. But I show life as it is. The good and the bad. My life is not all sunshine, rainbows and unicorns. But it is not all doom and gloom. Just like you, no matter who is reading this, whether you have a chronic illness or not, just like you… my life is a roller coaster.
I don’t feel my blog would do anyone any good if I only showed the positive. That only leaves people feeling like their life is much less fortunate than mine. But to be all negative does not inspire. When I show both sides of my world, I feel people can better relate.
The same goes for MS spokespeople.
After venting and typing this, I came across this video. CLICK HERE TO SEE
The first few minutes explains how a woman in the airport approached Montel about this same subject. She said, “I got to tell you something, you make it very hard for us. My husband came to me and he said why aren’t you like Montel, why don’t you go to the gym, why don’t you get a job, why don’t you get up, why don’t you go walking.”
Perhaps he may have changed his rhetoric, I don’t know, I don’t watch him anymore. He just seems to be hocking a product all the time using MS as a selling point.
But what the woman said in the airport is true, but on a much deeper level. Yes, the likes of him makes it difficult in how other people view us, but they do more damage to how we see ourselves.
I bought my first cane the other day. I have these old people canes that were given to me, but this is the first one I have bought. It was such a hard purchase.
I have not had to use it yet, (I have used canes, just not the one I bought) but these things wear on one’s psyche. To have to buy a cane.
But let me tell you this. Anytime you are out and you see someone with a cane, look at them with a sense of awe and respect. Because that person is not giving up. They are fighting through pain to live. The refuse to let their illness or injury stop them.
So yes, today I feel completely deflated. I am lying her in pain, bad spasms, and trying to avoid taking medication as I don’t want to sleep. But, I know tomorrow, I will give the treadmill another try. Fail or succeed, I will still try.
Had she been a better entrepreneur, Sally would have sold blow jobs by the seashore.
Choosing physical pain over emotional pain.
Today the emotional pain, fear, hurt, and anger became too much again and I chose to use physical pain to mask the emotional. I use the treadmill for this. I figure if I am going to hurt myself I might as well gain something from it.
I know what will ensue from the treadmill. I know my muscles will seize up. I know my legs will drag and I will pay dearly for it. But I put my headphones on, blast the music, and cry while I walk. This usually ends with me collapsing into a sobbing episode. But I must admit, I feel better afterwards.