The MS hug is squeezing all the happiness and joy right out of me. Between that and fatigue all I can manage to do is lie in bed and cry. I hate days like today.
You are who you are, not how others see you. I must remember that. When someone cuts me to the core, I must remember who I am and what is in my heart.
It is hard at times. Especially when it hits so close and when it hurts. But if you know within your own heart your own thoughts, intentions, and your own self, then you cannot let other’s actions make you doubt who you really are.
I can’t go chasing down people’s own insecurities and jealousies. Their own issues is for them to deal with, not for me to fix. And when they take it out on me I must learn to walk away and not allow the sting and hurt to take away any part of who I am.
That is the one thing about one’s self. Only you truly know what is in your heart and you can’t prove that to no one, nor should you have to.
I have people who believe in me, so now I need to start believing in me.
Hello, I am Tara Tucker, a mother of 2 with multiple sclerosis and gastroparesis.
Being a videographer was always my goal in life. I worked hard and put myself through college. My dream came true. I was not only a videographer but worked on numerous shoots in roles as grip, audio, editor, and producer.
Then, I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis and developed optic neuritis in my shooting eye. This ended my career.
I was lost for many years, trying to find out who I was. Then one day I picked up a camera. A camera, unlike a video or studio camera, does not require my eyes to focus in a tenth of a second. I discovered I could take my time and focus. I could now express myself visually.
I found myself again when I picked up that camera.
I am now trying to make ends meet with my photography and as a freelancer for several companies doing company audits.
My current computer keep crashing and will only run a few minutes before overheating and shutting down. This has prevented me from accepting many assignments as I am unable to enter them in a timely manner. It also makes editing my photographs to be a long, frustrating process as the computer keeps crashing.
I am looking for a computer and camera system that will enable me to add income to my family and help pay my medical bills from my MS and gastroparesis.
Both the photography business and my company audit business allow me to work on my own time schedule, which helps me work around my relapses and bad days.
I am striving to find a way to support my family while fighting MS. I am not looking for help to pay my medical bills but rather a source of income that will not only pay my medical bills but be a constant source of income for my family.
Any donation, not matter how small or large, will help me tremendously and will be greatly appreciated.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Here are the items I need.
Canon EOS Rebel T3i Digital SLR $749
58MM Professional Accessory Kit for CANON EOS REBEL $99.99
Extra battery pack $43
So… life kinda got busy and I left Tumblr for a while. Not sure anyone is really around here much. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?
I decided to keep up my picture of the day. I still need to edit January.
But today was a warm day and after the snow and such my car was covered in salt. So I gave it a bath today.
I am rather impressed I did so, considering I am sick as a dog. *sniffle sniffle*
January was a blur of water crises and snow and frigid temperatures.
We are still struggling with water. Hannah is sad she cannot take a bath. But the last 2 times she came out with burns/rash.
I have a blister on my hand from washing.
So, it is still a mess here. Here is a recap of January,
Jugs of water still fill my garage.
Allison has been busy with robotics club, competitions, and she made All-County Chorus. I am very proud of her.
There were snow days…
…and lazy days.
There was flushing of the water… which did not help.
And taxes filed…
January was a rough start.
Here’s to a great February.
Sometimes I feel so lost. It seems just when I find myself and feel I have a grasp on life that I turn around only to find myself lost again.
I’m not even sure who I am supposed to be anymore.
I’m urging every one of my Followers to please sign this online petition to save little 6-year old Jack Fowler, who has MPS. He faces certain death if Shire Pharmaceuticals doesn’t give him the treatment he needs, under compassionate access. It’s unacceptable that he should die because he isn’t “cost effective.” But that’s exactly what will happen if we don’t convince Shire to reverse their decision.
Please, everyone take a moment out of your day to sign it and leave a comment begging… demanding… whatever… that they #SaveJack !
You don’t have to leave your complete information. When error messages pop up, just ignore them and submit. You can retain your privacy and still post. You can even hide your name from appearing.
I abhor Window 8. Due to a year of overheating, screen whiteouts, and battery failure, I was finally forced to buy a new laptop.
My previous laptop was an HP Pavilion and I loved it. In fact it still runs like a champ… except I dropped it, breaking the housing unit causing it to overheat and the screen to short out.
So, I new HP Pavilion I got… but with Windows 8.
First of all… WHERE IS MY START BUTTON?
I hate this thing with all the tiles and crap. Might work for a tablet but not my desktop/laptop,
But I made my way around and made it work for me… except it takes 20 steps to turn the blasted thing off and the lack of a start button.
So, I tried… StartIsBack
I love it. I am still on a 30 day free trial after which I must pay $2. Trust me… I am more than willing to pay $2 for my start button.
All reviews I have read seem to indicate it is legit. Hopefully no cruddy viruses attached. But now I am happy with my start button.
A dear friend of mine gave me some Christmas goodies. In the tin of goodies were these delicious little things called Rolo Pretzel Delights.
I found them so delicious and addictive that I had to make some of my own.
The girls helped me make 88 of them. As they were cooling Allison walked by and said, “Hey, they look like see turtles.”
Not only do they look like sea turtles but the pretzels make these delectable treats salty like the ocean.
And so a new tradition has begun. From now on we shall make Sea Turtles every Christmas.
Ok, so my day started out rather crappy, and by crappy, I mean it started out good with the girls and went down hill after I dropped them off to school. I left my car at the dealership at 8:30 and now at 2:00 I still have no rental. I finally told them to forget it, I will just have the courtesy car at the dealership get me when it is done. All my errands will have to wait until tomorrow.
But tomorrow I am going out of town after Hannah’s Christmas program, so I have a very busy day tomorrow. All the errands plus I need 4 new tires put on my car… and an oil change.
So today I will work on the house and will walk to Hannah’s school to get her as I have no car. But my MS is really acting up and not sure my legs will get me there.
For the first time today I had difficulty writing. I was writing a check and my hands did not want to write. Holding the pen and coordinating my brain and hand enough to fill it out was very difficult. I struggled and tears started to fill my eyes, but I did not want to cry, I refused to cry. But with each new symptom you know it’s a new lesion and that, quite frankly, is scary.
I just had a relapse a few months ago. Did IV steroids and saw an improvement for about 3 weeks, and then down hill again the last few days. Not sure if it’s the same relapse, or a new one brought on by stress and overdoing it at the hospital.
But I had my meltdown. Screamed and yelled and took it out on half my kitchen. I still have the other half to clean, ugh. Does anyone have any spoons I could borrow?
But I have rested for the last hour, getting ready to get Hannah.
Mondays and MS do not mix.
After much prodding from my friends, I am going to focus more on my photography. I am also trying to work more in my company audit business.
My medical bills are piling up and rather than ask for help to pay them, I want to start a career to continue an income to care for not only my medical bills but as a source of steady income.
Sometimes I hate not having positive things to say in a post. And the last 2 days have pushed me to the limits of my sanity. Only 3 people truly know the heck I have been through.
I broke down earlier. After getting sick from eating one very small meal for the day, I collapsed on the bathroom floor. The MS has me too fatigued to move. But the gastroparesis has me hurling. So I laid there sobbing. Hoping my girls would not walk in and find me that way. For 30 minutes I cried, curled up on the floor. From the porcelain god then back to the floor.
It’s all of it hitting me. The MS relapse, gastroparesis, esophageal spasms, fatigue, and side effects from the Solumedrol.
Suddenly life seems impossible. Thanksgiving, holiday shopping, Christmas. All that on top of basic care for my girls. I have no energy to cook a healthy meal for them and the few times I can push myself I am left with no energy to cook my food which must be a different diet than theirs.
I have no energy to talk on the phone. No energy to move my arm to scratch an itch. This is not tired… this is extreme fatigue.
And with all this going on I still have people calling me, asking things of me. I have finally refused to answer the phone. I am letting Allison answer and tell them I am too ill to talk.
I had a well meaning friend say to me, “Hang in there hon, tomorrow is a new day.”
I just burst into tears. I am trying to get through this day, I can’t even imagine another day like this.
I need help but there is no one to help. I feel so lost.
I have kids. And at times I feel I can’t keep caring for them. But they bring such joy to my life. And I do not think I can stress enough as to how good they are at making life easy for me when I am sick. They help without attitude. They give and care so easily. I could only imagine how hard life would be if they were not so extremely well behaved.
I had my breakdown. Rested a bit, took some medicine, then Allison heated me up some of the best soup ever… Trader Joe’s tomato and roasted red pepper soup.
I am getting tired from typing so will end this soon, but I wanted to post this for those of you at the end of the rope.
I have no words of wisdom. I can’t say “do this” or “do that” and you can get through it. Just that there are days when it is truly all too much. There are days when we are not strong enough to bear it anymore and we feel like giving up. When there is no hope in that moment. And in that moment stop trying to be strong. Give in to the weakness. Cry, scream, curl up in a ball.
And when the worse is over, you will then look back and realize in that moment of “weakness” you were your strongest.
Allison and Preeya are in a Robotics club. It is her and 5 other people. They will build a robot and compete in competitions. There is a list of things their robots must be able to do.
The robot must be a certain size. Here is the beginning of the robot. Actually he is a prototype.
Below the robot is being driven by Allison. (She is not in the picture)
As you can see to the left there is a ramp. The ramp must be a certain pitch and the robot must be able to make it up and over the ramp. It must also use an arm and raise a flag up a flag pole. It must take a block from one of the crates on the left and pick it up and place it into another crate. It must also be able to do a chin up. Lift itself up on a bar off the ground.
They have made quiet a headway but have several months work ahead.
Below are 2 completed robots from previous years.
The top one could lift a 200 lb man.
Last year the one above won first place in North Carolina. But this year the state of NC is not allowing out of state competitors. Guess they are scared of us West Virginians beating them. :D
So once they have finished the robot they will go to several competitions and hope to being home a prize. In the meantime, they are having a blast learning about engineering, design, and software programming and applying that knowledge toward the robot.